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Post by Colonel Mustard on Jun 30, 2005 10:47:49 GMT
I would tell some... if i knew some :/
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Robbie Nud
David Clarke
I really do look like this.
Posts: 3,101
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Post by Robbie Nud on Jun 30, 2005 12:18:10 GMT
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."
The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband is obviously very depressed "You are back so soon... is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month" the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer will-power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." admitted the man, shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church" stated the pastor.
"We know" said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at B & Q either
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DoUrden
Ken Westman
Squash Them Sheep
Posts: 2,645
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Post by DoUrden on Jul 1, 2005 19:42:25 GMT
To continue the Blonde theme,
A blonde girl is driving along and gets stuck in traffic. While waiting for the traffic to clear she see's another blonde woman in a field sitting in a rowing boat frantically trying to row through a field of grass.
totally out raged by the scene the blonde girl in the car winds down her window and shouts "what on earth are you doing you stupid woman!! You know it's idiots like you that give us blonde people such a bad name! Boy am I so mad!, It's a good job I can't swim or I'd get out and give you a slap"
Boom boom
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DoUrden
Ken Westman
Squash Them Sheep
Posts: 2,645
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Post by DoUrden on Jul 1, 2005 20:19:03 GMT
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!" To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her." oops, Maybe I should have read the other jokes before posting my own. Heh, who's the dumb blonde now eh!! Oh well supposed I best think of another. 3 women are stranded on a remote Island. After thinking for ages about how to get off they begin to give up hope. One of the women decides to go for a walk and while about she finds a little lamp and gives it a rub. Amazingly a genie pops out of the lamp and says "greetings, I am a genie and I will grant you 1 wish, and it will come true in the morning" So the woman thinks for a bit and then says I wish I was 10 times more clever than I am now. And in the morning she wakes up more clever and works out how to make a boat so she can sail off the Island. the next day the 2nd woman find the lamp and rubs it and again the genie pops out saying she can have 1 wish and it'll come true in the morning. So the 2nd woman wishes that that she is 100 times brainier than she is now. And as with the first woman she wakes up the next morning with a brilliant idea of how to make a plane and fly off the Island. On the 3rd day the last woman finds the lamp and rubs it. And once again the genie grants her one wish and says it will come true in the morning. So she wishes that was was 1000 times more clever than she was now. The next morning the last woman wakes up, and discovers she is a man, and walks over the bridge..
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spuzz
Matt Myers
Posts: 1,682
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Post by spuzz on Jul 2, 2005 15:26:13 GMT
Theres and English man, Irish man, welsh man and german man on a plain. the plain is going to crash and the only way to stop it is to reduce the weight. The Irish man says i will jump to save you all and jumps out, the plain is still going down so the welsh man says i will save you and also jumps out, the plain is still going down and one more persons weight needs to be got rid of so the English man says i will save you and pushes the German out of the plain ;D
(soz to any Germans out there!)
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Robbie Nud
David Clarke
I really do look like this.
Posts: 3,101
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Post by Robbie Nud on Jul 4, 2005 12:06:25 GMT
Following the French rejection of the EU constitution, the European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government has conceded that English spelling has some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e's" in the language is disgrasful, and they should go away.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru!
UND ZEN VE VIL TAK OVER ZE VORLD!
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Post by Alf Garnett on Jul 6, 2005 20:04:47 GMT
Clubbers and ravers in Yorkshire have resorted to injecting Ecstacy orally using dental Syringes.The practice is commonly known as E by Gum.
I'll get me coat...
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Robbie Nud
David Clarke
I really do look like this.
Posts: 3,101
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Post by Robbie Nud on Jul 7, 2005 12:15:06 GMT
A bloke on his way into work this morning came to a dead halt in traffic and thinks to himself
"Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's moving."
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks:
"Officer what's the hold up?"
The officer replies: "It's a Sheffield fan, he's just so depressed about losing the league to Coventry last season and the playoffs , and the Challenge Cup and winning naff all after gobbing off all season , he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and his mates are all laughing at him. I'm walking around taking a collection for him."
"Oh really?" says the bloke "How much have you collected so far?".
"Only about 10 litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning."
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nt26ix
Gavin Fraser
Posts: 2,007
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Post by nt26ix on Jul 8, 2005 18:07:14 GMT
thats a quality joke chris!
A young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.
"We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.
"I'm sure we´ll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her.
"If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table."
"Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby.
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p14
Ross Lambert
Posts: 1,292
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Post by p14 on Jul 10, 2005 14:51:37 GMT
What did the Titantic and last seasons Steelers have in common?
They both looked good until they hit the ice!
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Robbie Nud
David Clarke
I really do look like this.
Posts: 3,101
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Post by Robbie Nud on Jul 11, 2005 11:45:47 GMT
It is the 2005/6 hockey season
A new arrival in Hell was brought before the Devil.
The Devil announced that everyone in Hell was expected to be miserable for eternity and would be put to work on hard labour
The Devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity.
At the end of the day, the Devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks.
The man explained that the heat and hard labour were very similar to those in his job back in Nottingham.
The Devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity.
At the end of the next day, the Devil again checked on the new man, and found him still happy to be sweating and straining.
The man explained that it felt like the old days at work. The man explained that the heat and hard labour were very similar to those in his job back in Nottingham in the middle of August.
At that, the Devil told his demon to lower the temperature for this man to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind.
At the end of the next day, the Devil was confident that he would find the man miserable.
But, the man was instead singing louder than ever, twirling the sledge hammer like a baton.
When the Devil asked him why, he was so happy, the man answered,
"Cold day in hell, has Sheffield won something ?"
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