Tell A Joke!

[deutscherhockey]

Lighten the mood on The Cage and amuse your fellow posters by adding a joke to this thread. Here's mine:

Two men went hunting. Joe had been hunting all his life, but Steve was hunting for the first time. Joe told Steve to sit down and not make a sound. So he did.

But when Joe got 100 yards away, he heard a scream. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" he said.

"Well, I was when the snake bit me," said Steve. "And I was when the bear attacked me... but when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg and said, 'Should we eat them or take them with us,' I screamed."

Perhaps we can vote on the best or something if we get a few. Or maybe not.

[Milkman™]

I came home from work work one day and the ex wife was very upset.

I asked her what was wrong and she told me she had found £1000 and 2 eggs in the bottom of the wardrobe, and she was upset that i had been hiding things from her.

i explained that every time i had been unfaithfull i put an egg in the bottom of the wardrobe, with this she smiled and said that if in 17 years together i had only been unfaithful twice, then she was a lucky woman to have a man like me who was so honest.

She asked about the £1000, i explained that everytime i got a dozen eggs in there i sold them

[crunchie]

A man walks into the pub & says ''Can I have a pint of bitter for me, & half a lager for the donkey?''

The barman replies ''Sir..that's a terrible thing to say about your wife''

The wife then replies ''I know... He all....he all....he all.... he always says that''.

[Thomas Elliott]

I have a couple,

Why do elephants have big ears??



Because Noddy won't pay the ransom!!



What do Arsenal and a three pinned plug have in common??


They're both useless in Europe!!

[*♥*Shortie*♥*]

two blondes walk into a building...

...you'd have thought 1 of them would have noticed

A man walks into a bar...

...Ouch


I know they are really bad but o well

[Deleted]

Bloke walks into a pub with a pig under his arm. The landlord says "where did you get that?" "I won him in a raffle" replied the pig!

Errol Brown from Hot Chocolate walks into a pub with a frog on his head. "How did you get that Errol" says the barmen. Errol sings "It started with a cyst..."!

[Kadie]

Sorry to all those blondes out there...

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.

A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.

Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

[cc77]

THAT JOKE WAS TERRIBLE KADIE

PS IM NOT BLONDE.

[Robbie Nud]

Why do mice have small balls?

Not many of them know how to dance.


I'll get me coat

[Higgy]

What kind of car does luke skywalker drive?........................................a toyoda!

[Kadie]

cc77 said:

THAT JOKE WAS TERRIBLE KADIE

PS IM NOT BLONDE.

It wasn't that bad & hey wheres your amazing joke? ;D

[hitman69]

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

[crunchie]

Why hasn't a woman been to the Moon?
Because it doesn't need cleaning yet!


Why do wimmin have small feet?
So they can stand closer to the sink.

Why do wimmin get married in White?
All domestic appliances come in white.




& there i have to leave it. The only other jokes I know are either sick, or just plain rude!

[ManInBlack]

After 6 months at sea, a sailor decides to visit a brothel. The madam tells him there is one girl available, but she is deaf and dumb. The sailor is happy with this and goes to her room.
He starts to have his way with her, when she taps him on the shoulder and then points to two baked bean cans. The sailor just shrugs his shoulders and carries on.
Again she taps him on the shoulder and points to the cans.
After a third time the sailor gets up and goes to see the madam. Thats simple she says after he has told her what has gone on, (T)inT(in)

[grayhead]

A couple that Wigwam may enjoy...

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing isn't as good as it used to be. What should I do?" The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure.
When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. still no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"



A List of Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:

Oops!
Has anyone seen my watch?
Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingy
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!
Damn, there go the lights again...
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
What do you mean, he's not insured?
Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"
What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

[David]

The Best Break up Letter Ever

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us Is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky.....


The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends,sisters,ex-girlfriends,aunts,cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he Had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:


Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the heck you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care, Ricky...

[grayhead]

A group of girlfriends is on holiday when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realise that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

[DaveE]

Just a few star wars jokes as the film's out:

What's Jabba The Hut's middle name?

The

How do wookies like their sweets?

Chewy

[Deleted]

Here is a TOP site for jokes :

[glow=red,2,300]WARNING!!!!!!!![/glow]

www.amazingjokes.com

[glow=red,2,300]WARNING!!!!!!![/glow]

Disclaimer : [glow=red,2,300]Most of the jokes on this site are of an ADULT nature, some are "clean" but most are NOT.[/glow]

[heja]

So why post it on a family forum then LOL

[britfan]

there's 50 women, 1 brunette and 49 blondes, hanging onto a piece of rope dangling over the edge of a cliff.

the rope starts to snap and only 1 person needs to let go to save the other 49 lives.

the brunette says "I'll let go of the rope so all you blondes can go into the world and porve that your not dumb!"

with this, all the blondes start to clap.

[Alf Garnett]

heja said:

So why post it on a family forum then LOL

I think Morley#99 has covered himself with 2 bright red disclaimers,Tim

[tash]

Sorry to all the blondes out there!

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra cash, decided to
hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started
going out into a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the
owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my
porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about £50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her
husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the
way around the house?"
The man responded, "Oh, well, let's see how she does."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to
collect her money,
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a ferrari."

Sorry, that was REALLY bad! ;D ;D ;D

[britfan]

A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, " Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."


Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A1: So brunettes can remember them.
A2: Because blondes are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.
A3: So men can understand them.


Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".


A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.


I like this one, it isn't about a blonde girl, lol

Q: What about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins?
A: He wanted to know who the other man was...


Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
A: She fell out of the tree.

[Alf Garnett]

Q) why doesn't Michael Barrymore have any ashtrays in his house?

A) Because he puts his fags out in the pool!